When The World Was Silent

IMG_1841It is early Saturday morning, November 1, and it already looks like a blustery, cold weekend. As I’m writing, one “like” after another pops up on my FaceBook page, and my attention is continually diverted to review the latest comment. My daughter posted a picture of my adorable grandchildren dressed up for Halloween. Nonna had to get in on the fun and dressed up as Cruella DeVille–no costume needed, just a brush of the hair to expose the white streak that has been invading my dark head of hair over the last few years. It worked, and the “likes” were popping up by the second.

Louie, however, was unimpressed. As he sat in his favorite chair and sighed, he looked at me with those big brown eyes. “Mom, remember when the world was silent?”

“Hmmm,” not wanting to be distracted from my computer, “No, Lou, I don’t remember any such thing.”

“Well, I sure do.” He sighed, deeper this time. “Long, long ago when you picked up your new phone and it wasn’t working quite right, you had to go without it for a day, remember?”

I continued typing, “It was actually just three weeks ago and it wasn’t working at all!” I stopped typing and looked at him. I grimaced as I thought back on that time. If there is ever an area where my patience is tested, it is in the area of technology. I consider myself very proficient in understanding technology, an understanding that dates back to my college days of learning the intricate, technical design of radiology and nuclear medicine diagnostic imaging equipment. I expect technology to work well but it will never work fast enough for me, no matter how advanced it becomes. When I picked up my new phone, it had several issues, and I could not return to the store until the next day. So I had to do without it for a day.

“I remember we took long walks together, we talked, and you actually looked at me when you talked to me,” Louie observed.

“Lou, aren’t you being a little dramatic? I take you on long walks now, right?” DING, another “like”, and I’m right back on my computer, laughing out loud at the latest snide comment on the post.

He leaned back in the chair and sighed as he longingly looked out the window. “I rest my case!”

“Awww, Lou, come on! It’s not that bad,” I said, not looking up. “I know I’m on my computer a lot, but I’m a writer and that means computer time.”

He then sat straight up and looked at me with an intense, soul-searching look. “It’s not about the computer, Mom, or the likes or the funny comments.”

I closed my computer and sat for a minute looking at my pup. After staring intently at one another, I suddenly understood the message his body language and facial expressions were trying to relay to me. Yes, Louie, I remember when I didn’t have my phone for a day and it seemed the world was silent and it was wonderful. That time of disconnection was a welcome reprieve from the bombardment of social media

Today, people will write just about anything in their posts, articles and advertisements. Truth seems to be a commodity that is regarded as silly, or worse, not necessary. A business can tout how healthy their culture is yet the only person giving such a testimony is the new hire that has been there for two months.

How easy it is to get caught up with hoping people “like” us. Our innate desire to be connected is glossed over by what we want people to see and in turn, what we hope they like. I’ve shared this before yet so many times I’ve seen FaceBook posts that I know are anything but true. I cherish the posts that are real and authentic. I love the pictures of my family, friends and loved ones and following stories such as Lauren Hill and Devon and Leah Still. But oh, how I cringe at the boastfulness of others.

Over time, I’ve come to realize that people have a foundational need to be relational, authentic and transparent. Simply putting on a mask, writing a “boast post,” and becoming “known” does not make you a likable person or a good leader. People clicking “like” does not mean people like you. It’s all about the need for true authentic relationships at the very core of our being. When that is missing with our family, loved ones and teams, and even with people we don’t know well, success is fleeting.

I looked at Louie, who was determined to win the stare down. “Let’s go on a long walk, Lou!” And with that Louie jumped to his feet, happily bounded down the steps, tail wagging, tongue hanging out, and headed toward the door. He is a constant reminder of the need for truth and from him I have learned how refreshing and freeing the truth can be.

NOTE: A dear friend of mine eulogized her 93 year old father this past Sunday. In his lifetime, he had lived through the depression and was a hero in World War II. For a man who did not have social media to tout his character, he was honored and well remembered for living a truly authentic life. No truer words were spoken than those from a poem his daughter tearfully read:

“The World Needs Men

Who cannot be bought.

Whose word is their bond.

Who put character above wealth.

Who are larger than their vocation.

Who do not lose their identity in a crowd.

Who will be as honest in small things as in great things.

Who will make no compromise with wrong.

Whose ambitions are not confined to their own selfish desires.

Who will not say they do it because “everyone else does it.”

Who are true to their friends throughout good times and bad … in adversity as well as in prosperity.

Who do not believe that shrewdness and cunning are the best qualities for winning success.

Who are not ashamed to stand for the truth when it is unpopular.

Who can say “no” with emphasis although the rest of the world says “yes.”

Robert E. Barnhart, Dad, was that kind of man.”

Dynamics Of Change: It’s The Little Things!

me and Evi“Nonna, do you ever get sad because you live alone?” asked my sweet six-year-old granddaughter. My life flashed before my eyes as I thought of going from being raised in a family of eight full-blooded Italians (we have since grown exponentially) to becoming a very busy single mom of an active child with lots of friends. I smiled and responded, “No, Evi, I’m never sad to be living alone!”

“Well, you’re never really alone,” she responded. “You have Louie to keep you company.”

Ahhh, yes, and there’s always Louie! I am very grateful for Louie, and our time together is increasingly rewarding for me. But I have noticed over the last couple of weeks that he has reverted back to some of his earlier unacceptable behaviors.

It all started with my noticing his unusually boundless amount of energy. We did our normal long walks and he had play dates with his friends. But he was still anxious for more activity. While tossing the ball to play fetch one evening, I started wrestling with him—all in fun, of course (I can just see his trainer, Zig, shaking his head). While this may seem small and insignificant, this activity had ramifications that became clear.

The next morning I was working when I noticed my pup had slinked off to another part of the house. I went upstairs (and not quietly so he heard me approaching) only to find him nicely nestled on my bed! He didn’t budge when I noticed him although he clearly saw my body language and heard my expressive tone. He just looked at me with those big brown eyes as if to say, “Hey mom!”

“Get off that bed, now!” I said and with that he jumped off, and laid on the floor, belly up. Okay, sweet dog, let’s just get back on track, I mumbled to myself. A few hours later, I was in the kitchen and when I went back downstairs, there was Louie sitting on my couch. Now, my dog is not allowed on the furniture, the one exception being a love seat on which he is allowed to sit and look out the window. That’s it. This was only the beginning. Other odd behaviors started happening. He wouldn’t walk alongside me, and he was constantly pulling to get ahead of me. I caught him a few more times on my bed, and he would rebelliously linger when I would say, “Here.” Has he entered adolescence so soon, I asked myself? What on earth is going on with him?

And then it hit me. Ken Blanchard and his team have long taught on the dynamics of change. One dynamic is that when the pressure is off, we revert back to our original behaviors. Couple this with the fact that research shows it takes 21 consecutive days to form a habit and for a new course of action to be ingrained into a natural pattern of behavior. At first I reasoned that I was LONG past the 21-day mark with this dog, and he should be getting it by now. But then I asked myself if I had been consistent with my modification training for 21 consecutive days, or did I see improvement by week two and decide to ease off? I had to admit that I had taken the pressure off long before the 21 days.

And while this may seem unremarkable, I should have remembered that wrestling with Louie is a no-no. We were playing like he plays with his dog friends, and I am not his dog friend. I am his alpha. That behavior led him to believe we were on equal ground, and that he had full permission to sit wherever he wanted. Because the pressure was off, he didn’t think I was serious about the behavior modifications, and he reverted back to his original behavior.

Isn’t that just like us? We see a little improvement, and we slack off on holding ourselves and others accountable. We do this in exercise programs, healthy eating, sleeping enough, managing people and projects at work, and in nurturing our relationships. To make it worse, we often not only ease off, but also we latch onto the latest and greatest leadership idea. And we never really stay with the course of improvement we’ve started and for which we have asked others to hold us accountable. The best gifts mentors and leaders can give to others are both encouragement AND accountability. Even more important is to press through, especially during the times when things have improved enough and you think you can slack off. That is the time others need you most.

Louie and I had to go back to the basics and stick with the program. He needs a leader mom who will stay the course and lovingly keep enough pressure on to see him experience the behavior change needed to live a happy life! As I’m writing, he’s lovingly staring at me with his big brown eyes as if to assure me he is never too far and always has me in his sight! And for that, I am truly grateful.

Lou and the stain

NOTE: Louie’s stumped! There is a rust stain of some sort next to Louie’s left paw. That stain has been on my driveway for 3 weeks.  And it just happens to look like Louie! Oh the little things in life that make a huge difference in our world!

No One Likes To Be Told What To Do!

IMG_0198I am trying to say this in a nice way, but I’m just going to put it out there…no one likes to be told what to do. I know I’m a dog, and my leader mom is my alpha, and she regularly trains and gives me commands, but sometimes I just don’t like being told what to do. By now I know what makes my leader mom happy– walking beside her, letting go of something I shouldn’t have, etc. Or my favorites: stay, heel and down! But there are times when I know what I’m doing and she will give a command. And when I look at her as if to say, “I already know this,” she sternly repeats the command as though I didn’t hear her. So I decided to observe how some of my gal pals handle being told what to do.

First, there’s Eve. When we took her outside, she was halfway down the sidewalk when my mom said, “Eve, don’t pull.” Then there was Ellie, who was already at eye level before her leader mom told her not to jump! Allie’s been told not to kiss me so much but she never pays attention to that command. Khaki’s been told by her leader mom to stop barking when I pass her house. That never works so I have to go give her some attention. And, of course, there’s Snickers, who clearly doesn’t like me, no matter what her mom tells her!

My buddies are not much better. My pug buddy Samson will walk in whatever direction he wants to walk, and Mick—well, Mick actually does what he’s told. So six out of seven of my pals do not like being told what to do, which I believe proves my point.

But I decided to dig a bit deeper. I observed my leader mom as she read through several articles, such as Five Things Successful Entrepreneurs Do; 13 Things Your Stylist Won’t Tell You; What You Need To Do To Be a Strong Leader; Four things a Leader Does First Thing in the Morning, etc. Interestingly, I noticed my leader mom does NOT follow every single suggestion. In fact, by reading her body language I’d say she is overwhelmed by all the suggested ways to improve. It is clear to me that humans don’t like to be told what to do, yet often the first words you read or hear are, “Here’s what you need to do!” So I concluded my research and the findings are as follows: Humans like to give commands and opinions on how to do things better, but no one listens!

After all this work, I needed a break, so I danced and whined by the front the door to let mom know that now would be a good time for us to go for a walk—and she obliged. The sunset was beautiful so we strolled leisurely rather than walked at our usual brisk pace. In a flash, I saw a cat run past, and I immediately ran the other direction. SNAP! My mom called my name, snapped my collar and said, “STAY,” as she made me stand at attention beside her. Then a car went flying by, narrowly missing us both! My mom was expressing her thoughts a little more animated than usual while I was catching my breath. I could have died if my leader mom hadn’t told me exactly what to do right at that moment. Good thing she didn’t say, “Louie, I wonder if there is a better way to express your fear of cats?” I would have died while we had that nice little conversation.

Then it hit me! There are times when clear directions (commands, in my case) are needed; a time when the Socratic method is appropriate, and a time when simply listening is the most loving and effective method. Some leaders ONLY use the questioning method and it feels very manipulative because you know you have to do what they tell you or your job is in jeopardy. Others never offer the opportunity for team members to develop critical thinking skills, or the ability to explore other options, when they just tell you what to do.

I’ve experienced my leader mom’s ability to balance her leadership behaviors. She knows when to give direction and when to provide support and many times she balances the two nicely. She knows when to ask questions and when to listen. (It doesn’t hurt that she’s an avid student of Situational Leadership II). The most effective leaders are those who size up the situation and provide just the right amount of instruction and care. Leaders who only have one leadership style (which is often some form of control and manipulation), miss out on the very best their team is willing to give.

I think Henry Cloud said it best in his audiobook (yes, I listen as my leader mom gleans wisdom from her audiobooks). “Behavior changes occur when we are able to grapple with issues. When you provide context— by listening, sharing information and positive examples, setting expectations and consequences, creating a healthy emotional climate, and challenging them to do their best— they will figure it out and implement it. That is a lot better than just ‘telling them what to do.’”1 That takes time and discipline, and from my observation, some humans don’t have the discipline and won’t take the time for others.

Ultimately, I’ve come to realize that my leader mom knows best! I’ve come to love and trust her so my heart’s desire is to please her–not because she tells me what to do–but because I want to serve her. While no one likes to be told what to do, most of us love to give to those we care about. And the best form of caring is service!

 

1 Cloud, Henry (2013-04-16). Boundaries for Leaders: Results, Relationships, and Being Ridiculously in Charge

 

Louie has something to say about that!

I have something to say about that!
I have something to say about that!

 

What a great summer we’ve had. Louie’s made several friends, had tiring play dates at Camp Bow Wow, and has enjoyed playing with the alpha pups. I’ve managed more writing projects than originally planned and have enjoyed time with many new clients.

Some of you have met Louie and are familiar with how much he likes to talk. If you live in our neighborhood, you can hear him all the way down the street because he’s so vocal. Well, I’ve learned Louie has something to say! In fact, he has something to say about a number of topics–very important topics like why doesn’t the little dog down the street like him (you know who you are), what it’s like to be led by a servant leader, how to have a highly productive pack (and have everyone get along), why it’s good to stare out the window, why love trust and respect are important in the work place…and his favorite, how to mentor alpha pups!

He’s finishing his vacation (Oh, boy! Oh, boy!) and will be back soon (with a little surprise)!