When Louie Locks Eyes With You

Louie is one smart dog. I know most dog owners say that about their dogs, but truly, this little guy is amazing.

For instance, we’ll be taking a long walk, and typically Louie can walk quite a distance. But sometimes if he’s been on a long run with his friend and walker, Mary, he’ll let me know he’s tired. He’ll slow down, lower his head and look straight into my eyes as if to say, “Can we slow it down a bit?”

When I ask him if he wants to go back, he spins right around and trots back toward our home with a sudden burst of newfound energy.

What gives me pause as I reflect on this interchange is the way Louie locks eyes with me, which he does quite often. He doesn’t just look at me; he actually locks eyes with me and clearly communicates his message. Not a word passes between us (well, OK, I am doing all the talking), not a hand signal, not a sound, and yet he understands me and I understand him. Now, that is an amazing dog.

Other times as we walk, he just reaches up with his mouth to touch my hand. I look at him and, again, he locks eyes as if to say, “I just wanted you to know I’m still here.”

I started to take note of how often Louie locks eyes, not only with me but with others as well:

  • When he comes across an unfamiliar dog, he stares and locks eyes. Actually, this is a stare down and a challenge. I would not suggest you do that with others.
  • When someone enters my home, he locks eyes with my guests, searching to see if they are friend or foe. Usually, he warmly welcomes them into our home.
  • When I am in the kitchen cooking, he stares, hoping to lock eyes with me so that I will fall under his spell and hear his plea: “Give me a piece of the food you are preparing that smells so wonderful. That’s right, just drop it on the floor and I will love you forever.”
  • During my quiet time in the mornings, there is a sense of peace and calmness. I look over at Louie on his bed, and we lock eyes as if to say, “All is well!”
  • He locks eyes with my granddaughters Evi and Mea when they give him belly rubs.
  • I’m amazed how he locks eyes with the drivers in big black trucks whom he mistakenly believes are my son-in-law delivering Evi and Mea to my home.
  • And he locks eyes with my neighbors either while we’re walking or when he sees them stroll by our house. He will bark at them until they acknowledge him and he has an opportunity to make a connection with them.

I could go on about this uncanny way of locking eyes and communicating a wordless message.

My parents always taught me to lock eyes with people because they matter. And Louie has confirmed the need for this powerful leadership tool. Effective and successful leaders hone their relationship skills by practicing the small and seemingly insignificant behaviors that let others know they are valued and loved. Taking time to truly “see” people is an important leadership behavior.

Some time ago, I heard Bill Hybels, the founding pastor of Willow Creek Community Church in Illinois, say, “You cannot lock eyes with someone who does not matter to God.” That resonated with me then and still does today.

In our very superficial world where most of the people we pass have their faces plastered against their phones, I urge you to take a few minutes to truly lock eyes with someone and let them know they matter–you see them and they are valued. You just might make a significant difference in another person’s life and begin the process of truly finding common ground.

Louie loves to communicate with his eyes, and I am blessed to be the recipient of his “lock and load ’em up with love” big brown eyes. Yep, I feel loved!

Louie and I Have Something In Common: We’re Both Introverts!

IMG_3409Recently I was thinking of getting another dog. Louie is home alone so often, and I worry he gets lonely when I’m not around. He gets plenty of exercise thanks to Sully and his mom, but he’s a pack animal, and I don’t think I’m enough “pack” for him.

But then I remember my first doggie duo. My daughter Marisa and I were convinced that Buffy, the first dog we owned together, was lonely and needed a buddy. So we brought a very energetic Bichon puppy named Bree home when Buffy was 3-years-old…she was Buffy’s worst nightmare.

Then after Buffy died, we adopted Cece. Cece wanted me all to herself, which was not going to happen as long as Bree was around. After they passed within three years of each other, I took a break from any more doggie drama. And now there’s Louie!

But I noticed something interesting about Louie. He loves his buddies and will whine to go out to play, but when he’s done, he comes home and quietly goes to his man cave. He has a spot in my bedroom and a crate on the lower level of my home and he prefers that no one invade his privacy. After observing his behavior over the last two plus years, it is clear he loves to be alone. Even when I’m home, he is not under my feet. He will go into his crate while I am working or go to his favorite spot to look out the window.

Perhaps this is a learned behavior after living with me since 2013. I love to be alone. I enjoy the quietness of my home, and I reenergize by spending time alone. I plan for plenty of white space on my calendar for that purpose. I guard that time because it is precious to me. I would never be able to pour into people as I do if I did not have plenty of time alone.

The reactions I receive when I tell people I’m an introvert ranges from utter disbelief to acknowledgement that they catch a glimpse of introversion occasionally. The audiences I speak to are usually the ones who display disbelief because their idea of an introvert is not someone who is comfortable giving speeches. I learned many years ago from my friend, Lynne Ruhl, the primary difference between an introvert and an extrovert. She asked one simple question: You’ve been around people all day at work or at a social event. Upon arriving home you receive a call from a friend who invites you to a party. Would you turn around and head out to the party or politely decline to stay home? I didn’t hesitate…stay home!

She explained that it doesn’t mean I am shy or socially awkward or even afraid of public speaking. It simply means I recharge by being alone.

The terms extrovert and introvert refer to the ways people use their energy. These words have psychological meaning that is different from the way they are used in everyday language. Everyone spends some time extroverting and some time introverting. Don’t confuse introversion with shyness or reclusiveness. They are not related and I am far from shy.

And things get really tricky when you throw in a new term ambivert, a word used to describe someone who exhibits qualities of both introversion and extroversion. Stop it! I’m an introvert who functions quite well in an extroverted world, and I love my time alone.

Good leaders understand that people have differing ways of directing their energies. Not everyone will respond the same way even in the same situations. Have your extroverted employees that have WOO as a strength (winning others over) go to the social networking events. Be aware of what energizes and what drains all your employees.

I sometimes wonder if the superficiality of our culture today, thanks to social media, hasn’t made me more keenly aware of being introverted. As someone who is very relational, my connection with others is key to my well-being. Yet, I still prefer time alone rather than engage in any insincere or phony relationship. And now I have an introverted dog that lives with me, and I’m thankful we are so compatible. He makes coming home even more of a welcome reprieve.

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Are You Doing What You’ve Been Created To Do?

IMG_3252A few weeks ago during a beautiful, spring-like day, Louie and I took a long, quick-paced walk. As we headed into the homestretch, we slowed, and Louie stopped to investigate a grassy area. Suddenly he took three hops and then pounced on a tunnel that clearly contained a live mole running for its life just a few inches underground.

Louie was unstoppable. With his long snout he dug, snorted, clawed, and tore away chunks of grass. I was amazed as I watched him and could only imagine the mole’s heart racing as it made its way under a fence to safety. Louie made it clear that no mole is safe in his neighborhood. And with that he turned, puffed out his chest, and pranced away.

I’ve never seen Louie hop, but the bounce in his step and the sheer determination in his hot pursuit of the mole made me smile. Rather than walk away in defeat, he strutted off knowing he did exactly what he was created to do—hunt moles.

As we walked I wondered about being created for a purpose. Louie instinctively knows to track a scent, and nothing deters him once he is on one. But what about you as a leader or those you lead? Are you doing what you were created to do? Are you providing the environment for your direct reports to do what they’ve been created to do? Very few people do, and you immediately recognize those who are: the speaker who captivates you till the end, the author who unlocks a truth deep within, the woodworker who takes your breath away with his talent, the businesswoman who builds a relationship while providing the exact solution needed, and the teacher who watches another class graduate.

Yet so many times people are placed in roles because a function needs to be filled. The frustration builds when a particular position is not at all what that person was designed to do. For instance, a company just lost its vice president of sales. The organization already has a successful account manager, and due to budget and time constraints, management decides to promote this employee into the role. It is unlikely that the account manager will be successful because he or she may not be a hunter or is uncomfortable going after a deal. Most account managers prefer to nurture accounts, follow a process, and assist customers with their experience. As a result, sales will suffer and the new vice president, once thriving and successful, will suffer as well.

Once we recognize that we aren’t doing what we were created to do, we may feel a prolonged level of dissatisfaction. That’s when it is time to take stock and make changes:

  • Listen to your gut. We’ve heard that intuition or following our heart gets us into trouble, but most of the time, there is a reason for that gnawing feeling that something is just not right. Listen to it and investigate; dig around to find out what’s causing these feelings.
  • Listen to and watch others. I remember the movie Chariots of Fire, about the Olympic runner Eric Liddell, who explains to his sister, “I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure.” As you see others light up and recognize their purpose, take note of the times you have felt a high level of energy when you were doing a certain task.
  • Passion is another way to understand what you were created for. There are certain issues that fire you up. Even as you read this, you can think of one or two. Take the necessary next step to get involved in such causes. Don’t let the uncertainty of the second step keep you from taking the first step.*
  • What are you gifted in? What do people ask you for help with? What drains you, and what gives you energy? Recognize that the life-giving activities are the ones you were created to do.

The good news is that we were all created for a purpose, and we all have different purposes. Once we understand what we are created for, life becomes so much more rewarding. Imagine yourself as a leader helping those around you find their purpose.

Be aware-not everyone will appreciate your purpose or calling. I’ve blogged about the dream slayers in our lives. This is very similar. There are people who would rather have mole tunnels and rows of dead grass in their yard than a hound dog burrowing his nose in the ground. I recently gave a speech and challenged people to assess the lies in their life that cause them to hide behind a façade. Not everyone wants to face that challenge. I’ve been called to help women be strong, bold and humble without being pushy, rude or weak. Achieving that balance means first addressing the lie that knocked us off kilter.

As for my little buddy Louie—he is not a retriever; he’s a hunter. He is in his element when he hunts moles. He can pick up the scent of a mole several yards away. Although I am really proud of his ability to scare them away, I don’t want to know what on earth he will do if he actually catches one. Stay tuned!

* Henry Blackaby

Out, damned mole! Out, I say!

 

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Life Long Friends

IMG_3098I’ve written about Louie’s new gal pals moving into the neighborhood, Louie’s getting to know rambunctious puppies, and his tolerance (or occasional intolerance) of guests in our home. You’ve been introduced to his chest-bumping pal, Mick, his walking buddy Sully and his steady girls Eve and Ellie. But we’ve not talked about Sampson much. That’s because there’s not much to talk about. Sampson (or Sammy) is just a steady as you go, no drama kind of pup. And Louie loves that because Louie needs steady and stable.

Louie and Sammy met a few years ago. Sampson is an adorable pug who is occasionally stubborn while walking with his mom. But Louie rarely sees that side of Sammy. The pups happily acknowledge each other and then just walk side by side. Sammy waddles, Louie prances, and the pace seems to work for them both.

Lou can be who he is when he’s with Sampson. He can just simply be. It’s almost as though he lets out a long sigh and says, “Hey buddy.” And then they just walk together. They don’t romp around or chase each other. They just stroll.

While I have many friends and family members who love me just as I am, my lifetime friend Gina has known me since the day I was born. Our parents were friends long before we came along and despite their moving to L.A. when Gina and I were three, our parents remained friends and my friendship with Gina deepened over the years. To this day, Gina and I talk regularly and visit as often as possible.

The best thing about Gina is that I can be my authentic self with her. I don’t have to perform or jump through hoops or pretend or walk on egg shells. I learned about the power of vulnerability decades ago because my friendship with Gina helped me see the areas in my life that kept me from being real. It wasn’t a book or a training session or a counselor, although those are great tools. It was the power of relationship that brought me to where I am today.

Much like Louie and Sampson, Gina and I don’t have to be talking to feel close and can simply bask in the golden silence of true friendship. We have shared life’s sorrows including death of loved ones, divorce, remarriage and we’ve shared life’s joys such as the birth of each other’s children. We can call at 3 a.m. and one of us will answer the phone with, “What’s wrong?” We’ve been through sickness, job promotions, sixty birthdays and many Kauai sunsets. Through thick and thin, we will always be best friends.

I know Gina loves me enough to address a character flaw she may see in me long before others do. I trust her to be honest and caring, so I welcome her feedback. Some leaders think they are above feedback but without it, they can end up with negative consequences that affect their relationships as well as their job performance. We all need friends in our lives who act as a stopgap to our bad behavioral choices. And we must be willing to listen.

Every leader needs a Gina! And every leader needs to hear when their Gina says, “I’m not sure about that.” Just as every Louie needs a Sampson, a steady as you go, let’s walk side by side pal who cares more about you than they do themselves. These kinds of friends truly enrich our lives and make us better people, leaders…or pets!

Me and Gina (left), 1956 (And my sister Donna 🙂

Me and Gina

Me and Gina–still crazy after all these years!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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We Don’t Always Choose Whom We Lead! But We Can Choose How We Behave!

Untitled1“Why did you get that dog anyway?” my friend, Lynne, asked as we were eating, exasperated with Louie who had finally settled down after attacking her at the door. “He’s so different from what you’ve been used to.” (See picture of my past dogs to the left).

Good question, I thought to myself. Why did I get him? As I’m typing, he is trying to “bury” his chewy toy behind the sofa in the family room, and I have to shake my head and wonder. I’ve been accustomed to soft and fluffy, somewhat dainty, little dogs. There is nothing soft and fluffy about Louie, and certainly nothing dainty! And on days where the temperature is -5 degrees and we have to “go” outside, I have to ask why?

Well, I love him, first and foremost. And I did choose him, and it was not an emotional decision. He had character and a presence and I knew he needed me…and I needed him. That’s not how we typically select our employees, but sometimes when we accept a leadership position, there are people we lead whom we would like to help find other jobs. We shake our heads and wonder why on earth they are part of our team.

They may not act in familiar ways, they may seem a bit quirky, and there are probably days we wish they would simply resign. Then we start seeing signs of hope, we genuinely give affirmations and suddenly, we see improvement, ever so slight, but it’s there. We notice their contributions to the team, and our one-on-one times are more fulfilling.  We notice that they have hidden exceptional characteristics and potential, even though they lack what WE believe they need in order to be an exceptional employee.

Just like Louie, some people we lead are diamonds in the rough.  They appear very ordinary at first glance, and their true beauty as jewels is only realized through a very difficult process. A good leader is often faced with the dilemma of either taking time to invest in a person or deciding it’s time to let them go.

I believe every interaction we have with another human being has a purpose. And when I find myself spending time with someone because our roles intertwine, I must take a look at how I can best invest in this person’s life. I am willing to invest in others who:

  • Show genuine interest in professional and personal growth
  • Have a sense of self awareness and a personal vision
  • Are open to and welcome feedback, coaching and mentoring
  • Are committed to learning
  • Are willing to take risks
  • Posses self-management skills

As leaders we must be willing to invest in others, especially those who are so different from our expectations.  Sometimes we toss people aside because they don’t meet our needs or measure up to our standards.  A good leader recognizes that some people are placed in our life for the very purpose of refining us. Are we willing to give them our time, and invest in them? I realize there are times we do need to help others find another job, but most times it takes a refining process to bring out the best in others, and ourselves.

Louie is still burying his chewy and I am still shaking my head. I don’t mind spending time pouring into him because I see the potential and personality and I am the richer person for giving away my heart and my time! 

Be Present

Lou and EllieConfession time…I’m a multi-tasker and have trouble focusing on one thing at a time. In fact, I was one of those kids who received the checked box next to the comment, “Does not concentrate on task at hand,” on almost every report card throughout grade school.

To this day, I justify my struggle with focus by saying I am a very creative person and I need to live experientially and savor the richness of the world around me in order to be a better writer. However, I understood very early in life that if I did not learn to focus I would be in trouble. The only nun who was impressed with my creativity was my English composition teacher.  The others—not so much. So I became very intentional about focus and it has paid off.

Which brings us to Louie, who shares my struggle with focus. I recently shared with our trainer that he seems a bit skittish when I walk him in the dark and he has a hard time focusing on what he needs to do while we’re outside. The trainer reminded me that I am alpha, which means confidently leading Louie in a way that is fun and gives him safe freedom to do his thing, despite the darkness.

One beautiful morning, right before dawn, we walked a little further than normal and were moving at a pretty good clip. Since there was no one else around to whom Louie could react, I decided to check emails on my phone. In a flash, Louie jerked to the left, my phone went flying and three large creatures ran in front of us. They were harmless deer but they definitively startled Louie—and me. The deer moved on but it was a few minutes before my heart stopped racing and Louie settled down. As I picked up my phone, I had to shake my head…I know better than to check email, walk the dog, and pay attention to my surroundings simultaneously. Walking Louie only takes a small chunk of time each day, and he deserves my undivided attention—especially when we’re walking in the dark.

And so it is with our teams, loved ones, friends, and people in general. Yet, we pay so little attention to others and rarely give them our focus and undivided attention. We sit in restaurants on our phones, checking Facebook or seeing if we received that “important” text or email. If we are attentive, it is usually because we want to get our point across as soon as that person stops talking. Let’s face it; sometimes it’s easier to carry on “virtual” conversations than it is to fully engage in real ones.

There is no greater gift we can give someone than to be fully present. People long to be known and understood. And the best way to know someone is to intentionally focus on what they are saying by not only hearing their words but also hearing their heart. It takes time and effort to truly “hear” people, yet it is the best way to demonstrate that you value and honor them.

At the time of this writing, we were celebrating Christmas. What better time to practice being fully present with whomever you’re with. Take some time to truly focus on those around you and whom you spend time with. Be intentional, put down your phone, step away from the technological noise and listen to their words and pay attention to what their hearts might be saying. We’ve been given the best gift humanly possible through the birth of Christ. He modeled how to connect deeply with others. I once heard Willow Creek Community Church Founder Bill Hybels said. “You will never lock eyes with someone who does not matter to God.” I often remind myself of that as I sit across the table from someone, walk through Findlay Market, or take Louie on a walk and say hello to neighbors I only see occasionally throughout the winter months. I am intentional about locking eyes with others not because I learned this in a business course or from the latest new leadership guru, but because people matter to God and therefore matter to me!

The best present you can give to others is to be present with them.

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Do Unto Others

We hope you had a wonderful Christmas and that your New Year is off to a great start. Louie is the perfect dog to lounge around with and enjoy downtime. We visited several people over the holidays, and he was a perfect gentleman at each home. While I believe he is an almost perfect dog I noticed something peculiar. He doesn’t understand the Golden Rule.

IMG_2408We have a new friend in the neighborhood who loves to play with Louie. Claire Lee Himmel is an English Retriever and as rambunctious as they come. Though she is a bit larger than Louie now, she was much smaller when they initially met. She needed no introductions and ran right up to Lou, got right in his face, kissed him, pulled on his ears, bit his face, and jumped all over him. He didn’t share her enthusiasm and backed away after giving her a quick snarl. He continued to demonstrate his disapproval as I stood talking to Claire’s mom for a few minutes. This interchange took place every time we ran into Claire and her mom.

But when we run into his buddy Mick, a Golden Doodle, Louie behaves very differently. He runs up to Mick, grabs his ears, gets in his face, and nips at his legs until Mick calls it quits by sitting as close to his mom as he can get. Louie clearly loves to play the part of the bad little brother, giving little thought to how aggravating he can be.

Noli

Noli looking quite innocent

Recently, we went to my brother’s home to visit Louie’s cousin, Noli Cannoli, a wisp of a dachshund, weighing every bit of five pounds but packed with 100 pounds of feistiness. She made it clear to Louie that he was to stay near me, he was not to walk around the home, nor get into any toys, go near his family or breathe, for that matter. Lou knew his place, sat quietly and behaved perfectly. All night he looked at me as though asking, is she for real? He slept all the way home, worn out from his cousin’s energy.

But when one of his pals comes into our home, he does the very same thing Noli did. He immediately establishes the ground rules by his actions: Don’t go in the kitchen, or go near my mom, don’t look at any food, or in the direction of the pantry, don’t drink from my water bowl or look out the window. I have to change the scenery and corral Louie and his pal into the family room to play and then suddenly, and it’s all fun and games for Lou.

While I think his behavior is comical, I am reminded that we sometimes behave just like this. We want to be treated with love and kindness yet we pick and choose to whom we want to demonstrate those virtues. I am continually challenged when I read these words: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.”* The “Golden Rule” gives us a standard by which all of us who are naturally selfish people can assess our actions. Jesus’ Golden Rule is a positive command to proactively demonstrate love.

It requires work and intentionality to treat others with love, patience, and kindness. It is easy to love the loveable or those who are just like us. But that’s not what this directive requires. It is clear that we are to do to others what we would have them do to us.

Many times if there is something that rubs us the wrong way about a person, chances are we have the very same quality that needs to be worked out of us. Think of this the next time you want to complain about someone. What is it about them that irritates you? Could it be you display the very same quality? And if so, how can you treat that person as you would want to be treated? In the long run, it is not just about the other person, but it is working out a difficulty in ourselves. And the best place to start is by practicing the Golden Rule on a regular basis whether we feel like it or not.

Louie will eventually get this—maybe. It is a very tough lesson for all of us to learn. It may take some practice with Claire but now that she is bigger, he may grow to love her as one of his Alpha girls. He loves Alpha girls. [Link to Alpha Girls]. Noli Cannoli will learn to love Louie over time once she trusts that he will not get her toys.

My resolution is to be more intentional about treating others as I would want them to treat me, whether they reciprocate or not. I want 2016 to be the year of intentionality and loving others.

*Matthew 7:12

Mick tolerating Louie

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Sharing A Special Memory From Louie

IMG_2717I love this time of year for many reasons. It is a wonderful time to celebrate life, enjoy relationships, and look forward to a new year, which could mean a new “do over” if we felt the past year was tough. I especially enjoy taking time to reflect on what I would change and how I will strive to be a better person next year.

Added in the mix this year is my love for my crazy dog, Louie! We’ve been together for three years now. I look at him and wonder what our lives would have been like had we not met. We still have a lot of work to do together, but I believe he is so much better off today than he was this time three years. I’m growing too, thanks to Louie.

I am also reminded of the relationships I no longer have. Louie would not be with me if I still had my sweet little Bichon, Cece. And what would life be like if my mom and dad were still alive to see MY grandchildren? Both my parents have been gone 20+ years, yet I still miss them and remember clearly the Christmases we shared.

Our little Cape Cod home nestled in a suburban cul-de-sac brimmed with energy for weeks, beginning with Christmas Eve. We would have a large celebratory meal and all eight of us would pile into the Edsel to go midnight mass. Afterwards, family and friends would come to our home while we kids were hustled off to bed so we wouldn’t “delay” Santa.

We would awake predawn and run down the stairs. We realize now that our parents stayed up all night putting toys and bikes together to surprise us. With six children and a father who was an officer for Cincinnati Police Department, that was a magical feat in itself. But surprise us, they did. And there was always a really “big” gift that would take our breath away at the end of our wrapping paper frenzy. Even our faithful dog, Smokie, would join in on the fun discovering the dog treats my mom wrapped for him to uncover.

More family and friends would come over for a brunch that would last for hours. Once again, we’d pile in the car and head to our grandparents’ home for another large meal and fun times. We sometimes stopped at an uncle’s home and once we kids called it a night, there were even more people who would come and visit with mom and dad.

I can’t imagine how they did it all, but my mom and dad enjoyed life to the fullest, and I will always appreciate that about them. I honor their memories by celebrating Christmas with the same vigor, love, laughter and life.

Sadly, life includes necessary endings. Saying goodbye to my parents, experiencing other tragic losses too painful to mention, and bidding farewell to one too many furbabies I’ve carried in my arms means I have closed the chapter on a part of my life but am opening a door on another. Louie represents one more chapter in my life, and he brings me incredible joy. And each chapter just keeps getting better, as I’ve shared with my daughter Marisa. I’ve enjoyed every stage of her life, but I believe this stage is the best so far!

As we close out this year, I am thankful for the life with which God has blessed me. I am reminded of the life God breathed into our world through Jesus Christ and the necessary ending he allowed so that we may have eternal life and have it abundantly. I stand amazed at the humble beginnings of a King and the necessary ending of a humble servant just so you and I can live life to the fullest. Don’t let searching for things that can’t last cause you to miss that remarkable miracle.

Buon Natale!

 

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Addressing Conflict

Interview With Ellie

Ellie and Louie having a discussion.

We hope you had a blessed Thanksgiving. Thank YOU for taking the time to read our blog. If you’ve been engaged with us for a while, you know that my adopted pup Louie has a few issues. He sometimes acts tough when actually he is afraid, he doesn’t like anyone coming into our house, and he absolutely does not like conflict.

You might wonder how a dog can know anything about conflict. Well, his actions speak volumes. He runs from any type of confrontation the minute it begins. Clearly, this type of behavior doesn’t work in the “real” world of business. Interestingly, a healthy culture that promotes trust requires dealing with conflict.

So we decided to talk to one of Louie’s gal pals, Ellie Ruhl, who is an expert on dealing with conflict. Here’s what we learned:

LOUIE: Ellie, I was wondering if you could help me. My Master Mom seems to think I have an aversion to conflict. Since your Master Mom, Lynne Ruhl, is an expert on healthy cultures and helps people all over the world deal with conflict, perhaps you can give me some advice?

ELLIE: Of course, Louie. I’ll certainly try. Tell me why your Mom thinks you have this aversion.

LOUIE: Uhh, well, I run every time there’s conflict. It’s very uncomfortable! There’s growling, baring of teeth, loud voices all around. Makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.

ELLIE: Louie, that does sound uncomfortable. Does it frighten you?

LOUIE: No, not at all.

ELLIE tilts her head and continues to look at Louie with her adorable big eyes.

LOUIE: Well, maybe just a little.

ELLIE: That’s understandable. After all, just from the body language alone, there is a clear message being sent, right? In our culture when a dog bares his teeth he is sending you a clear message to back off or else.

LOUIE: Right, and I get that message loud and clear and take off running. Don’t have to tell me twice.

ELLIE: That’s probably the best approach when you’re dealing with a fellow canine. But when dealing with humans, sometimes the best approach is to take some time to process what’s going on and then deal with the issue. You’re not alone. Most people don’t know how to deal with conflict. It really is uncomfortable. But the alternative is living with suppressed anger or resentment, which eventually leaks out causing harm to us and others. So it is best to deal with it.

LOUIE: I know Ellie, you’re right. You’re always right. So show me some steps I should take to deal with conflict more effectively.

ELLIE: Sure, Louie. I’d be happy to.

  1. First, take time to cool down. Step back and assess what’s going on inside you.
  2. Seek to understand what the other person might be experiencing.
  3. Pay close attention and let them share whatever is going on for them. See things from their perspective. And most importantly, listen.
  4. When you seek to understand the other person’s position, your body language and attitude will soften and won’t look “scary” to them.

LOUIE: Ok, thanks El. And this works?

ELLIE: Oh yes, it works for my Mom every time. Remember, dealing with conflict can be uncomfortable but losing a friend is heartbreaking

LOUIE: Wow, Ellie, that makes so much sense. This has been really helpful. I wonder if my Master Mom knows this information.

ELLIE: Oh, of course she does Louie. She uses it all the time.

LOUIE: Thanks, Ellie. I think I will do better next time I’m around conflict. You’re a great friend to help me out with this.

ELLIE: You’re welcome Louie. I appreciate our friendship. And you know I really love your Mom, right?

LOUIE: Of course, [sniff], I know that [gulp]. I’m good with that, El.

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Ellie and Louie lost their pal, Luna last month. She was just a pup who had experienced a bite from another dog. After being treated for some time, she lost her battle. She's pictured here with our business partner, Chuck Proudfit, along with Chuck's daughter, Maya and their other pup, Jet.

Ellie and Louie lost their pal, Luna Proudfit last month. She was just a pup who had experienced a bite from another dog. After being treated for some time, she lost her battle. She’s pictured here with our business partner, Chuck Proudfit, along with Chuck’s daughter, Maya and their other pup, Jet. Rest well, little Luna, and thank you for the joy you brought to the family.

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Happy birthday to my precious daughter, Marisa! I am so incredibly proud of you!Me and Ris

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Hide And Seek

IMG_0745I loved the game hide and seek when I was a child. The neighborhood kids played it almost every night on Cherevilla Lane; hiding behind sheds, perching on branches of large oak trees, and blending in beneath large weeping willow trees. We would start right after supper and play until the streetlights came on. Sometimes we played beyond that if it was a warm summer night and our parents didn’t want sweaty kids in the house.

I’ve noticed Louie also enjoys a good game of hide and seek. Considering how far he has come in the last two years, this particular quirk is endearing and here to stay.

Occasionally I’ll give Louie a no-raw hide chewy. He’ll start chewing on it for a while and then he’ll whine a bit. And then the whine takes on another tone as he searches throughout the house for a safe place to bury the chewy. Sometimes that place is in my granddaughter’s room. Sometimes it’s behind the couch. But many times it’s within the folds of a blanket on his couch. I don’t believe it’s a matter of actually hiding the chewy, as much as it is that he loves to find the chewy. He does this every single time.

I recently noticed that as he was burying his chewy, he was very careful not to let me see him. It’s all part of the game. Then when I ask where his chewy is, his ears perk up and he is ready to play a little game of hide and seek. I am somewhat amazed that he isn’t more protective as I get close to the hiding spot, but rather he looks toward the spot as if to say, “Don’t look over there, mom, it’s not there.” The excitement mounts as I draw closer and closer, and viola! There’s the chewy. He loves it when I find the chewy and we celebrate that he’s such a smart boy.

The game continues as long as he has a chewy to hide. I don’t know what it is about this game hide and seek that we all love so much. As adults we still play that game but with a slight twist. We still hide certain things in our lives that we don’t want people know about, because we fear it could ruin the relationship. We don’t want people to know certain things because we fear they might think negatively about us. Yet, deep down we all want to be exposed with the hope that when we are found, we will still be loved and accepted. We all seek authenticity and truth. It’s a hunger within all of us, and there is freedom in being who we truly are, not what the world thinks we should be.

When we take off our masks and stop hiding, the authentic “us” is revealed. Some people will appreciate and honor that, while others won’t. Good leaders help people come out from their hiding places and seek authenticity. To do that, we must:

  • Be intentional about building trust.
  • Demonstrate authenticity in our own lives.
  • Provide a safe place and be a safe person for people to be real.

As for Louie, when I find the little treasure that he’s hidden, he seems to do a celebration dance, as if the unveiling bonds us even closer. Every one has a treasure within them. Seek to help people uncover their treasures, and you will create a culture of trust and love, where people can be productive and effective.

After the last blog, Juicy Morsels of Gossip, many of you asked about Louie’s issue with conflict. Louie’s next blog will discuss this, and he will have a guest on board to help out. Stay tuned!

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